I try so hard to get back to my “before”.  I feel at times that I am fighting the way things are supposed to be.  After every event, I want to go back to how things were when I did not have to deal with whatever it is that I feel I wish I did not have to.  With each event, I am shaped for the better.  At least I hope so, but there is still the longing for the “before”.  I process each experience that I have been presented,  which have included both of my daughters’ illnesses, the death of my parents or even my own cancer diagnosis, I want to go back “before” all of it happened.  I wish none of it happened.  How different would my life be?  But, then that is not living and that is not how life unveils itself as I am constantly reminded.  I know that I am not the only one who feels that life sometimes plays a lot of tricks on us and can have incredibly unfair moments.

In all fairness, I have to look to how I am after.  I cannot deny I am a different person with different perspectives.  I have most definitely acknowledged my fondness for being more introverted and my quiet moments of contemplation.  When I was younger, I would share whatever crisis I was having and looked to the feedback I would receive from others. My actions were based upon the majority consensus. I don’t think I really trusted myself or felt that I had developed that ability within myself.   Really not a good way to live authentically.

My personal list of all of the experiences that have created my “after’s” have lead me to where I am today.  I move forward getting comfortable with my new “after” self and sometimes it takes longer then I would like, but it is a process of becoming “Me”, “Lisa”, with all of my unique “after” moments.  One of which has led me to writing this blog.  I did not realize that I have been weaving my “before’s” and “after’s” beautifully into my ribbon of life accepting what has been given to me.   Because we are a colorful culmination of our “before’s” and “after’s”, aren’t we?

With gratitude,

Lisa