I try so hard to get back to my “before”. I feel at times that I am fighting the way things are supposed to be. After every event, I want to go back to how things were when I did not have to deal with whatever it is that I feel I wish I did not have to. With each event, I am shaped for the better. At least I hope so, but there is still the longing for the “before”. I process each experience that I have been presented, which have included both of my daughters’ illnesses, the death of my parents or even my own cancer diagnosis, I want to go back “before” all of it happened. I wish none of it happened. How different would my life be? But, then that is not living and that is not how life unveils itself as I am constantly reminded. I know that I am not the only one who feels that life sometimes plays a lot of tricks on us and can have incredibly unfair moments.
In all fairness, I have to look to how I am after. I cannot deny I am a different person with different perspectives. I have most definitely acknowledged my fondness for being more introverted and my quiet moments of contemplation. When I was younger, I would share whatever crisis I was having and looked to the feedback I would receive from others. My actions were based upon the majority consensus. I don’t think I really trusted myself or felt that I had developed that ability within myself. Really not a good way to live authentically.
My personal list of all of the experiences that have created my “after’s” have lead me to where I am today. I move forward getting comfortable with my new “after” self and sometimes it takes longer then I would like, but it is a process of becoming “Me”, “Lisa”, with all of my unique “after” moments. One of which has led me to writing this blog. I did not realize that I have been weaving my “before’s” and “after’s” beautifully into my ribbon of life accepting what has been given to me. Because we are a colorful culmination of our “before’s” and “after’s”, aren’t we?